Steven Wright

[Lecter]

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

[Lecter]

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."

[Lecter]

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

[Lecter]

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

[Lecter]

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

[Lecter]

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

[Lecter]

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

[Lecter]

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

[Lecter]

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

[Lecter]

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

[Lecter]

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

[Lecter]

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

[Lecter]

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

[Lecter]

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

[Lecter]

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

[Lecter]

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

[Lecter]

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

[Lecter]

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.